BanAnna Crossing

I need to invent a new language that can properly say how much I love you.  I am scared out of your mind when you are not here.  Just so, so scared.  I do not think I can ever love someone the same way that I love you.  How can two people so different share the same soul?  Everything reminds me of you.  I still wear that bracelet.  It is starting to fall apart, but I am going to keep it on as long as I possibly can and then I do not know what I will do.

I would trade everything I have to see you just one more time.  A minute just to hold you and say I love you.  A minute for you to tell me not to be a crybaby and everything is going to be fine.  A minute to say we would do it all the same way and a minute to pray.

I miss you and how you would just come up with stories that obviously showed your absolute lack of sanity.

I cried when Emily and Sarah gave me your letter.  Prayed with them for a little bit.  They were uncomfortable but they suggested it.  All that was long overdue but maybe that was good… allowing me to sort a couple of things out.  But a lifetime is not long enough to forget you.  Did you know?  Sometimes people just know.  A girl.  I do not even know her name.  It would have made my heart skip a beat to hear that fluttering heart.

En cada palpitar.

And you still embarrass me.  They read the letter in all its horribly-organized detail.  Thank you very much for revealing my secrets, you jerk.

I am scared to tell people.  I am scared of visiting your parents.  I think they want to kill me.  Maybe they are luring me in.  I am going to knock on the door and they will look through the window and say “He’s here!  Set the trap!” and then I walk through the door only to be lifted off the ground in a net or impaled by arrows.  I can only pray that their hearts are softened.  They were willing to tell me about you, but even establishing that basic dialogue took five weeks.

I went to one of those dating seminar things last night.  Just for the personal rebuke.  This is what you did wrong.  And this.  And this.  I don’t know but it felt right to me.  Or… it felt wrong but it felt like God redeemed it.  I was ring-shopping, you know.  I was ready to move up with you and just hug you when it gets cold.  Struggling when we were apart, struggling even more when we would never be together again.

I miss when you would randomly just yell at me.  You are so cute when you get angry.  And scary.

LORD, Why?  It was not perfect but I loved her.  We worked so hard to make it right, we were growing, we loved each other, we made that commitment, we were working toward a common goal, we had our future planned… why take her in the middle of all that?  I hate You.  God.  Where are You?  WHERE ARE YOU?  We were talking about names for our children.  She was doing a Bible study on being a Biblical mother and she read through about Judah and wanted to name our first boy Judah.  Do You hear that?  After YOUR PRAISE.

And where in my heart can I search to find anything that wants to praise, now?  Where is the fruit?  Sometimes I wish You would just kill me.

And you.  I just want you to come back.  Please.  How could I imagine?  We first met back up and you called me Hopkins and now… now we do not even have to say each other’s names.  Or anything.  We could hear each other’s thoughts.  We… did.

You are right.  The world can crash around us and love can take it.  But it hurts more than anything.  It is a stretch to live at all.  And the pain I am in is sometimes the only thing reminding me that I am alive.  I do not ever want to love like that again.  I am not strong enough.  I think I know what I will name her.  I will tell you someday.